Stressmonkeys and Thoughtvomit

(11.2.15)
My life has largely devolved into little more than working, eating, sleeping, and trying to keep the house in some semblance of nontoxic and livable.  I come home from work and am so mentally tired some days I don't even feel like I can decide on pizza toppings, let alone anything heavier.  I've been told in the past that Im 'guy-like' about my work.  It's a critically important part of my self worth and I suspect Im at risk of completely exhausting myself in my attempts to do everything it requires of me of late.  Suffice it to say, there are supposed to be 2 people doing what I do, but there's been only me for most of the last two years, and it's getting really hard to keep going.  The parts of my work that I really love, I barely get to do anymore.  I don't particularly like that my life has gotten this narrow but Im not quite sure how to change it.

There has also been a lot going on the last few years with the Vampire.  She's had some rough stuff happen to her in the past which carries understandable shit and baggage with it.  She also made some really bad decisions.  Really, really bad.  The last year has been much calmer, but still very challenging. Yes, Im euphemising.  She's a teenager with a shit egg-mom and a bad boyfriend picker and Im the strong-willed stepmonster.  You do the math. 

Im currently battling the urge to get rid of everything and start living very minimalistically.  When there's too much clutter in my home, I start feeling.....well..sort of trapped.  It feels chaotic and out of control.  I did a mini-purge of my bookshelf and that helped.  I went through the junk and utensil drawers in the kitchen and purged a bunch of crap and that helped.  My closet is next.  I've already got a box in our bedroom waiting for me to fill it with crap that needs to go down to the garage.

(Continued 11.4.15)
Tonight I had a mini-meltdown.  Another night of coming home mentally exhausted and emotionally overwhelmed. Talking with my beloved, I tried to explain what the running dialog in my brain is like.  He asked me to try to share.  I spewed random slung together nonstop thoughtvomit, virtually without breathing, for several minutes.  Various themes of "Im frustrated professionally" and "Our pets are frustrating me" and "Im worried about my health" and "The chaos in our home is worsening my mental chaos and inability to chill the fuck out." All very self critical, of course, but with some real stuff too. Part of what makes it so hard to take is that I KNOW I am strong and capable of handling whatever gets thrown at me and rising to the challenge and fuck-all Getting. Shit. Done.

After my brain purge, I attacked the closet and within a few minutes I had two boxes of clothes ready for garage storage  Then Schmoop and I got rid of a little bit of clutter in the living room; stuff that had been lingering in a corner collecting dust has now been sorted into keep/chuck/donate and removed from the living space.  And a random bag o'crap from our previous car, Stella, has been sorted and chucked/filed.  That stuff helps.  Taking action almost *always* helps.

The struggle just gets so old sometimes.  It is hard to be the strong one all the time.  I know I don't have to be, but even when I break down, it's knowing that I can't let it happen for long because I have shit to do. Im getting better at asking for help when I need it, but I still prefer to do things myself and not inconvenience anyone else/appear weak.  Sometimes I wish I could have that mental breakdown that D thought I would have so many years ago.  Sometimes I wish I could be an asshole and really not give a shit about anyone else without feeling like I need to soften my rage with humour (I've been called the "The Nicest Pissed Off Person"). I don't do that all the time, but I do think I do it unnecessarily sometimes, plus I dig making people laugh and Im incredibly fucking funny.  I also grok Im struggling with my depression.  That bastard comes and goes, so I know his visits are temporary, but he does wreak havoc when he's here.

Sometimes I wish I could run away and live in a cabin by a lake. 

I feel like something has to change, but I haven't quite figured out the what or the how.

Why the fuck don't I write more?  Im a good writer. 

What the hell, Webba?!

Thoughts on Samhain 2015

Having a quiet night at home with my family.  The Vampire Child has already retreated to her room.  Schmoop worked the day shift so he's home and we got to eat dinner together.  With our different schedules, that is pretty rare. Im not feeling particularly celebratory or overtly Pagany, but being mindful of the day.  The veil is thin today and thinking of beloveds who have gone before me.  Wistful, and slightly sad, missing Nana, and Bonnie and Astrid and Elaine and so many others. The world is such a beautiful place, so much love here, but occasionally a shadow passes by and I remember those who used to be here.  .

What is remembered, lives.

Thinking of another friend dancing the Spiral in SF for the first time and remembering how huge that felt, so significant, to be in that whirling circle, meeting other dancers' eyes and feeling connected to something bigger that just the body I live in.  Im a little envious, but I'll be there again, just not today.

Thinking of my kiddo.  She just celebrated her 26th birthday.  She's all grown up. I swear it was just yesterday she was that little girl all pissed off at the Easter Bunny. She grew into an amazing woman.  You'd be impressed.  I know I am.  She's still on the other side of the country.  Part of me absolutely wishes she was here.  I wish we could talk more often and hang out and just be women together.  She's so strong and I admire her so much.   I try not to be selfish though.  As much as I want her closer, it's more important that she live her life by her rules.  She knows she has love waiting to cushion her landing here if and when she returns.

Thinking of my parents, so far away.  I think they're content, for the most part, where they are.  I know Mom gets lonely and I wish I could hang out with her too.  My mom rocks.  Seriously.  I miss going to Yesterday's books with her and then to lunch where we would read our books and munch and chat. I went to a used bookstore today, Mom.  Added 50 bucks in credit to my already sizable balance by turning in 3 bags filled with books. I know...impressive, right?  (mom knows it's hard for me to re-home books) My dad, I think, is likely much happier in AlabamaImNotFromThere than he was here. I think it suits him.  He's found a church, he's found friends, and he has purpose.

Thinking of friends and their struggles and joys.  Thinking of family balancing life and responsibility.  Thinking about the bigger picture and the intimate snapshots of our daily lives.

Sending love out into the world for all of us, whichever side of the veil we may be on.  Blessed be.