Im struggling.
Im struggling to hope and to believe that my breast is going to heal. Someday. It's been about 2 and a half years. I have had an open wound on my breast for two and a half years.
I had my 4th surgery a few weeks ago, on November 2. Instead of the ugly dimply scar running along the edge of my areola that I used to have (from the first three surgeries plus the one that started this whole thing more than a decade ago), I now have an ugly 3 inch long incision starting at my right nipple and extending in toward my sternum. The wound isn't healing properly and I suspect I'll likely be having surgery again down the line.
NCB recently expressed frustration at me not taking care of myself post-surgery. I thought I was taking it easy one weekend. I was being kind of lazy and having coffee and reading and Netflixing. Every once in awhile I would get up and start a load of laundry or put dirty dishes in the dishwasher. Not doing a lot, just trying to do a little of my weekend household stuff, not going overboard, just needing to feel useful. I thought I was doing a pretty good job of taking it easy. He pointed out how much I was doing and was kind of...mad that I wasn't asking for help.
Now, this led to a whole conversation about how I am a strong, independent woman who lived alone for a long time and who is perfectly capable of doing things herself. Make me a list, he said. Wives have been giving husbands honey-do lists since the beginning of time. I shouldn't have to, I said, you live here too. But, I said, you also aren't a mind-reader.
And now Im struggling with this. I don't want to have to ask. Some things are *my* issues, and I don't want to inflict them on others. But if I don't ask, how will he know it's important? Don't get me wrong...NCB is a wonderful husband and partner. I think it largely comes down to communication styles. I just need to find some balance between my independence and tendency to just 'do the thing and get it out of the way real quick' vs empowering him as my equal.
Fast forward to this past Friday morning. It was the day after Thanksgiving, and I went to a yoga class with my amazing cousins. I wound up unable to do pretty much anything and wound up mostly sitting quietly with my eyes closed, trying to meditate, and trying even harder not to feel lame and broken and worthless. Class ended and as I was talking with C, I broke down in tears. J came and cuddled around me and held me while I cried.
I realised Im feeling incredibly betrayed by my body. Im so frustrated. No one understands why Im not healing. Three surgeons, two wound care nurses and assorted other medical people. NO ONE can figure it out. Im not diabetic and I don't smoke. I eat protein, I take a multivitamin, I get plenty of sleep. There is no infection....my breast just won't heal. I have to wear a bandage all the time. I have gauze packing inside my body all the time. I have doctor visits at least once a week. I want to visit my parents out of state but haven't been able to save up any vacation time because of all my doctor visits and surgeries.
And now I have this to struggle with....how do I love my body? How do I trust her to heal and get strong again when she seems determined to stay broken. How do I make friends and let her know that I love her and believe in her strength?
And how do I do that when Im trying to figure out how to do the other stuff?? How do I do that when Im not taking care of myself like other people think I should be and when Im angry, frustrated, and betrayed by my body and the floor needs to be cleaned and there is laundry to do and the dog peed on the floor and the credit card needs to be paid and the next surgery will probably just start the whole not-healing all over again and Im struggling with all of it. How do I hope? It's just too much.
How am I supposed to do that when I am scared? I've asked numerous times, what happens if my breast Just. Doesn't. Heal? No one has an answer for that. Is it any wonder Im scared?
Is it any wonder I am struggling?
